What Eight Years of Stepping Out of Myself, Hearing and Loving People Has Taught Me
alt=”Kneeling in the forest, bandaging a hiker’s foot during an outdoor training event”>For the last eight years I have sat with hundreds of people. Men and women. Single and married. Teenagers and executives. Almost every one of them walks in believing they already know what the problem is.
The problem is the ex. The problem is the parents. The problem is the boss, the past, the circumstances. The problem is always out there, something or someone standing between them and the life, the love, and the influence they want.
Here is the pattern I have seen more than any other.
The moment someone stops asking “who did this to me?” and starts asking “what am I responsible for?” everything begins to move.
The man who wanted to change the world
There is an old story about a man who set out to change the world. He failed. So he tried to change his nation, then his city, then his family. He failed at all of it. At the end of his life he realized that if he had started by changing himself first, his family might have changed with him, and from there, who knows how far it could have gone.
That is extreme ownership. Extreme responsibility. It flows out from one place, and that place is you.
People think the problem is other people. The actual problem is what we allow other people to have: control and influence over our own lives. The opinions of peers. Family pressure. The expectations of a spouse or partner. When you hand your steering wheel to everyone around you, nothing on the outside is going to fix that.
What actually changes people
I have watched people spend years trying to fix the outside of their lives, convinced that if they could just change how things looked, everything would fall into place. Some of them even succeeded. And here is what I noticed.
The ones who changed to win approval often spiraled. They got the compliments and felt emptier than before, because the applause was never the real hunger.
The ones who grew in order to become more effective, to have more energy, more discipline, and more capacity to influence and serve, those people flourished. Same effort. Completely different outcome. The difference was never the outside. It was the reason.
So what does the real breakthrough look like? In my experience, it comes down to three things.
1. Radical self-forgiveness
Most people are dragging a lifetime of self-condemnation behind them, and you cannot love other people well while you hate yourself. Forgiving yourself is where real confidence starts.
Forgive yourself, then change, adapt, and push forward. Forgiveness is a starting line, not a hammock.
2. A purpose you will not let go of
People underestimate their value. They underestimate their ability and their potential, mostly because they do not know who they are or where they are going. And here is what nobody tells you. There is almost nothing more attractive than a person on a mission. Not a borrowed mission. Not their parents’ mission. Their own. Confidence that is your own. A reason for living that is bigger than a lifestyle.
When you come into alignment with something bigger than yourself and partner with it, people can see it in you before you say a word.
3. Discipline, because the outer self reflects the inner self
Discipline is deeply attractive because it is visible proof that you prioritize your future self over your current self. The way you hold yourself and carry yourself tells the truth about your inner life long before your mouth does.
It starts with you
If you want to have influence in the world, in your marriage, in your family, and in your work, it is about ownership. It is about forgiving yourself and then refusing to stay the same. It is about finding your purpose, holding onto it, and not letting go for anything.
Continual growth. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. That is what people are drawn to. That is what I have watched transform hundreds of lives.
The problem was never other people.
And that is the best news you will hear all day, because the one person you can actually change is you.
This is the first post in a series on what actually draws people in, and why almost all of it can be trained. Next up: why attraction flows out of direction.
Marissa Lauren 
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